isabel's Journal

1:20pm:  a whole whirl of emotions. and i need to draw. i need to release this mess.

10:13pm:
Sitting in church together, 
my every dream come true. 
Forget all that before. 
Somehow it must be
His plan. 

Because, i say,
(forget the charismatic rubbish;
ignore the tongues,
the casting of demons.)
the sermon struck a chord. 
That chord which dangled 
between rebellion and numbness to sin. 
Everything just proved a change. 

it feels nice, to say 
my mind 'aint at rest
since after that service.
cos you'd understand. 
and feel the same way. 

cos these all lead to a perfect start.
to my prayers being answered. 

thank you. 
you 
big thing
above.

9:38pm: blogger's down.
compartmentalise isabel. compartmentalise.
a levels are the most important things now. 
not anything else. 
but it still doesnt take away the heaviness inside. 
nor the tears that spill.
cos im just pure hurt.
i cant believe you said that. even if you were being impulsive and emotional, it reflected something you felt deep inside that you never said. 
cos i try very hard.
but you only look at the result, not the process.
and you dont realise.

dont call tonite. i wun know what to say. you'd get angry again. 
and i'd feel like the shittiest girlfriend in the world. and i'd just shut up. 
dont even go to school tmr. 
i dont feel like. 
but ive got to. 

expectations. 
you seem to want me to fit into your perfect girlfriend ideal.
but i cant. i just dont measure up. 

so there. 
study. 
study study study.
isabel has to study her fucking ass off. 
and put away all her fucked up emotions.

11:16pm: loveneverfails

what they said hurt. 
its like a curse. mum said the same thing abt justus, and i have this innate fear that the same 'curse' will unfold.
cos she thinks that Anand and i are so different, its very hard to reconcile those differences.
secondly, we need alot of maturity to be there for each other; like my fear of trusting
thirdly, being physical deludes
fourthly, if i cant trust, means im not ready for a relationship

it all hurt. it stung.
the first thing that came to my mind was repulsion; that NO im not gg to let Anand go just cos of what you both perceive ur relationship to be. 
then everything started sinking in, together with all the doubts coupled with the many 'what ifs'. 
i called him, told him what mum and dad said, and he got upset too, naturally.
and then it struck. How would i know they are correct. Are they God? no.
So do they even know? no. 
Remember, i specifically prayed abt Anand when i asked God for a boyfriend. and it cant be for no reason that im with him.
so only God knows what i should do.
and isnt that what 1 cor 13 is for? 

Love is Patient and Kind.
Love does not Envy, it does not Boast.
It is not Rude, it is not Self-seeking.
It is not easily angered.
It delights not in evil, but rejoices in the truth.
-NIV
Beareth all things, Believeth all things, Hopeth all things, Endureth all things.
Love never Faileth
-KJV

such comfort. and no matter what. 
throught sickness and in health; in uni and army; in trials and temptations; in tears and joy;
i promise. to bear all things, believe all things, hope all things, endure all things.
and in His will i trust. 
These problems will all come to pass. 

i feel like a HUGE burden is off my chest.

1:24am: reading old entries about us made me cry.
i have no idea why.
the tears just couldnt help flowing.
all the pain.
first my parents, then the breakup,
then oriana and nicole, then the police case.... 
thinking of the ordeal of it all, evokes the pain of all the memories.
and the tears flow.
yet i thankGod. that ive no more reason to cry.
cos ive got you.
and i hope, i'd have you forever.

i still cant absolutely trust.

8:50pm:

6:21pm:

you just dont see how im just breaking.
maybe you should realise that crying and worrying and hurting are uncontrolled feelings created by God to show expressions.
maybe... i dunno.
i dunno what im saying. i dunno what to say. i dunno whats going on. 
there's just too much that i dont understand abt myself. 
i dun even noe why i just shut up when im with you. 
FUCK. i fucking love you and cant you bloody hell see that. 
just what do you want me to do to convince you of that?

i just dont want to lose one of the persons that i love most in life again. 
i just cant stop the tears.
i just cant sleep away the fears. 
my mind's breaking down..

11:22pm: monday's our one month.
it should have been almost seven months. but oh well.
i guess our relationship's gone thru quite abit for the average relationships that last for one month or even seven months - however you want to see it. 
even people who dunno anything abt our relationship could tell. like syaza. 
like the times couldnt ever stop quarrelling and getting upset and sending each other into the toilet in tears. 
and the countless number of times we purposely did things to spite each other childishly. 
and all my flaws and personal baggages brought on by my previous relationship that you are so willing to accept and help change...

i love you anand daniel.
thank God for you. :)))))

10:00pm: must we always quarrel?
i know i dont say the right things. esp when it has to do with soccer. 
its only cos i dun know how. 
but i do try to be there, try my best to help.
and the feeling of helplessness and uselessness just overwhelms cos it feels like im so unworthy to be ur girlfriend. 
UGH.
i dunno. maybe im just not good enough. 
maybe you shld find someone who understands - one of the many girls who will so willingly throw themselves at you. 
then youd really realise isabel law was never the best. 
you were just very very deluded. 


what the bloody hell is wrong with me? shit.

7:48pm:

8:33pm:

i dunno whats wrong with me. Ive been in an awfully fucked up mood these days, getting all so moody and upset all of a sudden.
getting irritated so easily, harbouring intentions to kill, being so fussy and easily worked up, screaming all sorts of vulgarities and swear words, showing the finger oh so often
ah. dammit.
where has the sweet nice innocent isabel gone too.
im sorry. if ive been giving everyone an f-up attitude. esp ameal.
its not pms. it cant be. 
i dunno la.
i just have a fucked up life.
oh wells.

10:56pm: ive finally understood after so long, the meaning of faith. 
they say faith moves mountains - 
we wonder, adore its ability to do what we deem impossible, we gamble our hopes on it for nothing is impossible without God. 
we always reiterate that same phrase, i always say nothing's impossible with God cos he'll make a way, when there seems to be no way. 
but i never understood that faith takes strength.
and tons of strength, till today.
it seems so darn easy to say 'yes i trust Him cos He can do the impossible'
but it takes tons of strength to say ' i have the faith that he has the sovereignty to choose to say no to this prayer cos he knows best. and despite all, i still trust in him'.
it takes alot of courage too. 


( i love black:))) )

'faith is the substance of things not heard, the evidence of things not seen' - Hebrews 11:1
i wish there was a biblical definition for love. as in romantic love, not christ's love for us in 1 cor 13.
oh well.

9:21pm:

i feel used. trampled upon like that mat you see at the door.
people dont see me. they dont notice.
they dont realise ure there.
they just KNOW ure there.
and take you forgranted.
and when youre not there to for them to wipe that , 1cm in diameter brown stain on their oh-so-virgin white shoes, they scream at the doormat for not being there,
to clean off that 1cm in diameter stain.
as if like oh-my-god! a 1cm in diameter stain is the worst thing that can ever happen to my new shoe so you better be there for me to wipe it away.

if ure a third party overlooking that situation, you'll probably be like 'ugh. like whatever'.
but if you had a 1cm in diameter brown stain on your virgin white shoe, you'd be screaming at the doormat for not being there to wipe it away too.
ah well. what to do.
quotes Avril lavinge. Lifes like that.


( doormat spoken )

and hot angry tears hafnt streamed down my cheeks since last year June.
just accept it. doormat's werent made to be appreciated. they were made to serve.
what to do. life's like that.
DAMMIT.

isabel should stop being vulgar. cos its not God glorifying and not a good testimony. but where's God in all of this? he seemed to have disappeared after pastor Cheah passed away last september.